oh gosh. in 2 more days is the END-OF-YEARS. i'm dying here. -.- cause i havent touched my combined humanities yet...and it's like the first few papers. BAH. and i lent somebody all my notes. wth. so i have like 1 day to read it. DIE. nvm laa.


school is HELL these days cause of that somebody laa. haiz. hostility runs through his blood just like hell fire burns in his eyes; RUTHLESS. ahh. seeing him makes me like wanting to choke myself. stupid pls. i'll do anything to avoid him, ANYTHING! change class, he sit somewhere else, i sit AWAY from him. just to avoid seeing his face. AHH. kill me.


anyway. i bored the world with my life story. or anybody who reads this? just a pic i stole from jermaine's blog. cause it is super HILARIOUS.




there's another one. but i lazy put. haha. (: funny pic, in my opinion. -.-


Is It Me? Am I so complicated?
Is It Me? Or is love over-rated?
Is It Me? Cause I dont quite understand
Why it never turns out how I thought I planned it
Is It Me? Am I too independent?
Is It Me? Not ready for commitment?
Is It Me? Cause it doesnt seem to last
And it's the only question that I never asked

yeah. VERY WEIRD DAY. it's like i'm getting a lot of mood swings. i keep switching from a SMILE to a FROWN? i dont know. cause i realise...i've COMPLETELY stopped talking to certain people. i tend to ignore people MORE. just stopped caring about my surroundings. except for YOUs. no idea why. it's like as though my heart/instincts are rejecting them. DON'T KNOW pls. nevermind. blogging is boring cause i have no stories. AHHH. who reads this anyway? -.-

hohos. never update cause i kept feeling so down and useless. ): but nevermind laa. I NEED TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. havent started much. HAHA. need to practise more maths. need to revise Social Studies and History. & also BIOLOGY. read through Chemistry and Physics. erm...i guess that's all. ENGLISH over. ((: Don't want to talk about it anymore. less than one week to go. FOCUS!!!


- you touched me with your sincerely.

oh great. wanted to watch those IMPORTANT HONOURABLE PERFECT WONDERFUL AWESOME GREAT GOH people. had a LOL-ing time with ghimhong and nadiah. (: but then...that government indirectly ask us to go home. FKER. mariani mdm was running to us, and asking us to hurry up. wtf.


if you feel insignificant,
so what am i?
I'm not a part of eagles,
just another passer-by.

some people say they feel
as though as they dont belong,
but fk them for they have
people who wants them in the squad.

and i'm just so sick,
cause it's bad enough i'm hurt.
those people made me feel like shit
make me want to hurl.


blah to the stupid poem. but i'm just really pissed. and i'm so freakin' underappreciated. so insignificant. and like i say before, "IGNORE ME LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO." if you deny, you're a liar. and hell yeah. GOH people, i know your drills up to standard. so, you can say we suck. you can mock us for our mistakes. you can make fun of our actions. you may talk behind our back. make us feel unwanted. it's okay. it's nothing new. YOU GUYS will never change.

- JOY you've left me once again. nobody to turn to. cause every one has their issues.

i'm not feeling pissed. FINALLY. but i still have that irritable cough and flu. and i'm dying for those OBS people to come back. cause i really missed them, at least some of them. HURRY, i want to hear your stories.

oh. (: and after school. went mad with nadiah. we mad VOODOO drawings of those OBS people. grey knight started it. -.- LOL. we thought of unfortunate events they will go through there. LOL. ahh. and sarah, rebecca etc came, LOL. couldnt study laa. (: oh.

got to train with the rifle. not really, cause i forgot how to do the drills. -.- but hwa leong was hilarious. keep running away from us. and he said his rifle drill sucked. LIAR. -.- cause he taught me the last time. in the end, we played bball in the npcc room. (: i was the monkey. ended up playing outside...then hit that FAGGOT. he looked like some shit fk. hit a bit also want to cry. blah. sorry ghimhong for making you the scapegoat. SORRY.

- JOY, you've came back. so how long is your stay?

my mind has been in a hell of a lot of stress. i keep wanting to scream at someone just to let out my anger. cause honestly i feel so sick of people's critics.

I DISLIKE people who critisize others & don't find ways to solve the problem. People who aren't thankful for the things you do for them. People who talks too much. They boss you around, but TO HELL WITH THEM. Those people who take credit for doing nothing. Those who just see you doing work but does nothing to help you. FK THOSE FKERS! AND those people who acts like they do A LOT of work in front of people, but actually they did not a single FK!

there are people who dont deserve the position they are in NOW. i can say their names out but i'll rather not. cause honestly, let guilt overcome them. just FK them. i'm really really sick of them. people like them dont deserve to live. but i guess HE creates them to test our patience. oh gosh. please bless me with patience and a strong will. i feel like a wreck. even happiness cant find ways to make me happy. ):

- i miss OBS people but i'm nobody.

damn. each passing day seems so much harder to get by. ): my head feels very heavy. it's filled with a million thoughts racing through my mind ALL at the same time. i find myself physically weaker by the day. just very tired. sleeping is a habit not a need now. and honestly, words or pics WOULD, SHOULD, COULD, NOT show how horrible i'm feeling.


do you guys think i'm a joke? yeah yeah... i was born to be "funny". but heck, i'm tired of people thinking everything i do is a joke. LAUGH at me. i'm too tired to retaliate. why wont you just drag me across the road. see me bleed, see me in pain, see me die slowly. FK it man. i'm SO DAMN SICK!


and felix, i'm REALLY glad that you let me sit with jiaying k. i'm SERIOUSLY thankful. i feel great that i wont have to see the rest of the class. i could now see GQ and ZY eyes. why they feel so isolated from the class. mainly the fact that they dont belong. and ALSO the fact that you guys dont let them into your clique. i bet you guys dont give a damn about it. so, i'll rather not make a big deal out of it. i'm just SO SICK of you guys.


to gaylerb, i guess i should be sorry too. i overreacted? but heck laa. you treat me as a joke too right? i'm not serious. YES, i treat everything i do as a joke. EVERYTHING! so, if you're going to treat me as another JOKE, you may go with telan and gang and LAUGH your way through life. cause i'll rather be alone than have friends like _______.


i guess i said it all. i just dont want to feel bad for anything. VOMIT it all out. if you find my blog FAR too moody than the HUDA you used to know, do leave, dont link me etc. NEVER COME BACK cause honestly, i know that no one really bothered. they just say it like they mean it, BUT THEY DONT.

nothing is going well. everything is wrong. hmm. having a fever but i dont bother going to a doctor. that medical smell from the office will make me feel so SICK. and. i watched on oprah this site that encourages suicide. still looking though. they even have methods of suicide. the NUMBER 1 method is hanging. hmm. a lot of preparation. easier to jump down from a building i guess. anyway, here's so site to erm...prevent people from committing suicide:

What can I do to help someone who is suicidal?

Suicide:Read First


erm. i updated? haiz.

You pray he has a good day at work.
Or else you will hear your mother
getting punched again tonight.
And you pray she doesnt talk too long
to the neighbours or bring dinner out too cold.
Or do anything else to annoy him tonight.
Because you really dont want to hear the screams.
They make you wet the bed at night.
So you pray.
You pray that today, by some miracle,
he wont come back at all.

call AWARE at 67745935 for domestic violence. please.

okay forgot to post this yesterday. I SAW CALEB'S HAIR! haha. yay. oooh. NP. sian. wanted to pon NP and do the art competition stuff. sian. government dont let leh. haha. nvm. had fun with the rifle. mr ANDREW HO was so gay. with his being gay is wonderful. his funny funny funny laa.


well, i helped peishan and yiyong scrub mass tins. DAMN tiring. -.- haiz. those people had a meeting for GOH only. even before we bersurai. so, the rest of us like slacked. SIAN. i know ANDREW was nice enough to say, "Erm, can we do this after we bersurai?" so sweet and THOUGHTFUL can. haiz. nvm laa.


- what everyone says...

i thought it was going to a BORING OLD LECTURE but it wasnt all right.


DAY 1: awesome start with that JOEL making me walk an extra mile cause we missed the stop. -.- yes, shaohui, joel, hongsiang and ME were late. the other EAGLES reached already. ((: LOL. it was just great laa. my group got angerlina and zhengwei. so, i wasnt such a LOOOOOSER laa. HOHOs. very fun laa. tt melvin sir is one SEXY dude. haha. great time presentating, playing games. etc. ((: and i seriously want my group photo laa. MARK'S PENGUINS!


DAY 2: went there with the same people except for hongsiang. LOL. SHAOHUI was looking so freakin' tired laa. halfway the course...those TKD people had to go. )): aww. time really went by fast. learnt A LOT! at the end. did this peer evaluation...where you put your name down. and people will "EVALUATE" you. haha. comments i got (some are REALLY nice sia):


"Funky sia! Always laughing. Dare to play. Presentor! Good Luck!" - ANGERLINA, HS ((:

"CUTE! Friendly.. stay in contact.. Nice to meet you.. You're COOL. Same as me always talk..Hehe..(: You r so friendly. (: iLu! hehe..jk.." - GAYAN, PEICAI

"Very talkative. Talkative (times INFINITY)" - YW (dunno his name. HAHA!), XINMIN

"Hey sarcastic one, you are my fellow sarcastic friend. Stay sarcastic! ^^" - BRYAN, ANDERSON aka ASS

this one takes the cake. (: wrong expression, i think.

"Sarcastic, hideous, evil creature Yuck. - SHAUN, XINMIN


ALL damn nice sia. their comment. LOL. ((:. honestly, wont forget this 2 days laa. VERY MEMORABLE. Met old group mates. yup. from ATC one. played a lot of games. Learnt a lot. Not sure who gave the idea... but we will actually share what we learnt there with our other squadmates. ALL FOR ONE, ONE FOR ALL. <33 EAGLES.



WOMANs of NPCC. ((: hohos. they all look so happy laa. i look retard pls. :|



MS SUE doing presentation. the pic is SUPER nice sia.



LOOK at that RETARD moving her hand and looking so DUMB. :o



Prince of the MOOBS.



MOOOOOOOOOOBalicious. ((:

"...IGNORE me like they always do."

haiz. tomorrow got two things happening laa. LMSC and BIOLOGY lesson. aww. sms-ed those E1 ppl... hwaleong actually said he wanted to go BIO lesson first. in the end, said he going the LMSC. blah. honestly, i bet tomorrow is going to suck a lot.


cause i'll be going there ALONE. even if i see any of those people, they might IGNORE me like they always do. so, haiz... i wont be having a blast. no nadiah nor jiaying. i'm not sure if tengku is going or she might not even know. cause i guess i feel very XL compared to those people chosen for GOH laa. i bet they will be thinking, "I didnt know she was going," then walk away and ignore me laa. woo. even if i try to be friendly, they will talk a while, then forget i even existed. i've experienced that MANY MANY times laa. and thus, i see no use in going the LMSC thing. cause i'll end up ALONE or with someone i dont intend to get to know.


what i fear most is that they might treat me different. yes. they may change their view of the minority of us who 'cannot make it'.

Myspace Layouts

so, my life is just as sucky as yours laa. all our ups and downs. here's a BEAUTIFUL collection of the DISASTERS in my life.


SEC 1
- rap competition: we got FIRST, but when we went down to collect our prize, i tripped and fell. it's a auditorium filled with people. i could hear laughter but i laughed at them back. but i was too HIGH. the next few days, my ankle was swollen and purple. :|
- NPCC parade: well, i wasnt chosen cause i got the rap competition. so, haiz...i actually bothered to go to the 2nd training, in the end. NOTHING. just a waste of time.

SEC 2
- Modern Dance: verbal war with a certain WOMAN. no one sided me. :| we were having a ball of a time, practising while experimenting with different music. THEY had to come in, ask us change back to the original song. the rest of us were worn out. but they didnt care did they...THEY never did. :|
- Speech day PARADE: i was chosen. REJOICE. but as a reserve. so, the 3 reserves were LOOOOOSERS. we didnt do anything, just stare at those people. saturday gt training, i didnt bother go. SUCKER! on the day itself, i wasnt the reserve. i accompanied weekee to take care of the SEC 2s. the contingent people didnt even realise? :|
- NP ATC: somehow i'm just fated to be in the group where there is the LEAST number of hougeans. yup. only me and nadiah in the group sia. then got other groups gt 5 - 6 hougeans. WOW. they seriously got some counting issues. they group 10++ all got the COOL people laa. sure. :|
SEC 3
- Camp prep: i was hoping that i would at least have 1 good girl in my group laa. end up only 3 of us in the group. 2 BOYs and 1 GIRL. fk. and it's like these people like not the ENTHU kind. ): leonard didnt even bother to come. that other boy, just SUCKS laa. :| we had to think of 3 ACTIVITIES & 3 PT SESSIONS. must i say...i did EVERYTHING myself. i was all out of ideas. we didnt hand in the proposals on time. fk laa. 6 PROPOSALS laa. :|
- ARTS FIESTA: well, they had this voting thing right. then erm, my box got 2 people vote for me in the matinee show sia. i'm SO FREAKING COOL. then at night, well...i like slapped my head and the mike. blah. and mr said was having a terrible headacher. i let them all down...haiz. :|
- NCO camp: i guess it didnt succeed laa. all my ideas. haiz. dunno laa. i lost hope on the 2nd day. DIE laa. everytime like this one.
- GOH selection: didnt get chosen. see post below for details. DUHH.


aww. life sucks at times laa. at least there's a reason for them to kick you out. so what's my reason? if i know, i can at least change. like i said before, "SHORT, YOU WILL GROW." then, for me. i cant ways to improve myself cause they never bothered to say what i did wrong. why i am always in these kinds of situation. haha. DONT CARE LAA. less than 2 more years to go...MUST BE OPTIMISTIC!

yay. here's some fking good news, everyone:


I'M NOT IN THE GOH!


rejoice everyone who got in. smile. laugh. fk them. :| and you know what i promise you i'm not deleting this post. cause i have the right to release my angst. for the first time, i was hoping that my luck will change. guess the holidays are super UNLUCKY for me.


i'm jotting this WHOLE thing down so that i will NEVER EVER forget. anyway, np started late.
at 2pm then start.
blah blah.
i was in group D.
REJOICE cause got weichong and tengku.
then we all practise and practise.
finally, it was our turn.
butterflies in my stomach, adrenaline rushing etc.
i fk up on the first command. ):
then when the mdm "reshuffled" us, we got have to follow this format.
i fked tt up too. ): i guess my drills must fked their eyes cause it was fking horrible. ): yes.
they announced the BEST 20.
the rest of us, including me, just stood there looking like fking losers.
5 min break cause there were a few who cried. that MAN is purely ice. cant they feel the hurt we are feeling.
the LOSERS remainders ones not chosen, we were pouring out heart out.
i sang "We're All in This Together", to stop them from crying.
i was being totally OPTIMISTIC. just holding back those tears. i didnt want anyone start consoling me. or i might bite their nose off.
our 2nd try. in the end only 9 people chosen.
3rd round. blah blah.
finally, only 3 people left. they are in the contingent. most likely reserved.


there you go. how wonderful like is. everything i sacrificed. those hours i spent on proposals. wasting midnight oil just to hand in the fking proposals. all those time i spent hoping that something good might come in return. ALL THAT FALSE HOPE. all the pain and suffering i get. honestly, why should i go LMSC now? i'm not in the GOH. i'm just going to be a fking LOSER marching with the sec2s and 1s. such a disgraceful act. i'll rather be a performer on stage and make a fool of myself.

TO HELL WITH WORDS

hohos. finally okay i guess? but honestly, who CARED? haiz. actually, i realised all the feelings im feeling and this "past" memory that keeps reoccuring...well, i realised it's ALL MY FAULT. i let unhappiness befall upon me. i let my weakness control my strengths. yes. the past memory, i CREATED it. it's all CAUSE BY ME. no one else to blame. :|


i guess, the problems im facing is just like swimming in shallow water. nothing bigger than that. thus, one shouldnt make a big fuss out of their small problems. Find a solution, or move on. did you know that are other people who are MORE unfortunate than you? if we think that the whole world are on our shoulders, than to them, the whole entire GALAXY is on theirs. cause, as humans, we tend to neglect and take advantage of what we have. the word here is UNDERAPPRECIATE.


people are all created as equals. i mean it. you are rich, as he wants to test how long you may remain humble. you are poor, as he wants to test your patience. forgive my BAD BAD philosphy. i feel people are now forgetting that they DO NOT OWN ANYTHING, but it is he who owns it.


- aku bersyukur kepadaMU kerana kamu telah memberi aku kemewahan sebuah keluarga.

ENGLISH: i'm thank you for you have given me the wealth of a family.

gosh. feeling like shit AGAIN. ): not myself these days... i also have no idea. maybe MOOD SWINGS or just this stupid stupid past memory that keeps reoccuring in my head. ARGH. there's just this coat of unhappiness surrounding me. this SAD aura that overprotects me. ): i'm finding it harder and harder to find reasons to smile? i realised i keep shutting myself from the world. just plug my ears to those earphones and forget my problems.


well, i tried to forget those hurtful things that happened to me...yes. TRIED. i guess going to school was one of the solutions. cause yesterday i ALMOST got high again with those np people. i love it when we got to spray on that cardboard. (: oh wells. it was good while it lasted... here are some pics to lighten up this stupid blog.



he whom shall not be named.



he, who drools.



what those colours meant.



where do i belong.



who i used to be, who SHE was born to be.



what yesterYEARS brings...



when will this last

forgive me for my selfish post. I AM TRULY INSIGNIFICANT. no denials nor lies. let me face my fate. friends do come and go. i'm sorry.

i wish i was that someone. so many people surrounding IT when IT is feeling down. just to know that someone cared. all the sweet words they gave IT. so much sympathy. just TOO much. it gets sickening. IT may feel like nobody cares but really people do. i dont care about what the world thinks cause i dont think people read this fked up blog. i wish to delete this stupid blog. there's no reason for having this around. just letting my heart write those painful moments in words. what's the bloody point?


i missed those days when every one was equal. nothing in between anyone. those "FRIENDS FIRST". now it's a whole new story. a slit wrist situation. clenched fist moments. teary eyed days. those feelings of emptyness. where are you friends? who to pour my heart to when i have a story and DYING to tell it? who to give the key to my heart where all those secrets lay untouched? who should i trust? who would be there?


- let fate decide where we go from here, it may be a dead end for me.

should i agree with ivan and gang when they said:

"You are insignificant."

maybe i truly am insignificant. sometimes, even i feel out of place. or maybe... i should have followed my bro's footsteps. the I ALONE clique. which consists of himself and anything that involves ONLY him. :| haiz... i feel out of place in 3E1, Humanities Club & even NPCC. i'm no socialite. just like felix phrases it, "imanoebudie." and if you feel that you are insignificant too, you've got some serious ISSUES with TISSUE!


- call me superficial, but you're made out of plastic.