It's okay to forget.

It's really sad to have the same depressing pout on your face. Besides, I look fat in pictures and my hair really looks flat and straight.

Why in the world am I bored at myself?

I got so depressed one night that I decided to chop off my hair. I had given up and honestly, contemplated on running away. Knowing the sad little person that I am, and also the fact that I had no where else to go, I stayed on, pressed on and went for a meeting in school the next day. Before the night ended, I grabbed a pair of red scissors and started to cut my hair. Little by little at first, but as I gained the confidence, I cut a whole bunch of hair. In the mirror, a figure, lips swollen and eyebags much more visible than before. It's good to let go of this feeling that had been bottled for much too long. Nobody can save me from yourself. You can't change me.

Falling.
Into the very hole I created.
Fallen.
And left alone to suffer.


Because only you can save yourself,
from the inner demons inside.

On a much lighter note, Week 0 is nearing and I really can't wait to see the freshies. Need to think of cheers but I'm no good at that. I too dislike working under pressure and doing something because I am obliged to do so.

Tomorrow's just another day.

Blacked out straight after GL camp. Am dead tired for godknowswhat reason.

Need to clear out my wardrobe and start shopping for new clothes and do some alterations. But honestly, it's hard to pull off hot looks that you see in the States. Hello, I need to get new skinnies pls (and a totally kickass leather jacket and a classic black dress).

Ash from Pokemon may be my first anime crush but Rurouni Kenshin was one of the animes that I got hooked on back in my younger days. Maybe even obsessed because I joined fan clubs, downloaded episodes, songs and saved pictures related to the anime. I remembered how I would rush back straight from school just to watch the 30 mins of god-like movements of Kenshin, his funny expressions when he says 'Oro' and the flirty romance building between him and Kaoru. When Kids Central aired it, I even recorded it (because it aired at 10am). And honestly, I didn't get sick of it watching it for the god knows how many-th time.

Besides Titanic, this was the few shows that made my heart break to an extent that I cried especially during the ending. I swear my face was swelled up for a good 20 mins or so because I would burst into tears (of course, discretely and away from the public eye) everytime I think about the ending. End of confession.

Down with anime fever right now. Random fact: The reason why I have the top ear piercing is because of this guy.

So far, I feel like I'm the only one who's GPA had dropped (by >0.5, mind you). Everyone else is rejoicing on their improvements while I'm basking in the unforgiving sorrows of my current results. Even my brother did better than me, and he is in Year 3. All these blog posts and MSN personal messages about their results. I'm so petty, I disgust myself. & I should stop typing like these (you know, with all the witty comments and whatnots). Seems like everyone else is doing it. Seems like I'm like everyone else. I am like everyone else. Hence, I should be able to improve my GPA. Irony.

Who am I kidding?

I, the plant that wiltered while listening to oh-so depressing music.

It's all downhill from here, isn't it?

GPA this term won't get me anywhere far. Impossible to get into ANU. Impossible to get into NTU and NUS too. And I told mum straight in the face that most likely I wouldn't want to further my studies after poly. Unemployed and uneducated. Won't be dreaming far now, the future is bleak.

trust me.

Day to day has been black and white. In pictures, black and white look classy and timeless but not when you're living it. I would love to find a temporary cure to this but people make me sick (cause we are all deceitful creatures with an intent - no matter how nice we think we are). The outside world is really mediocre and what more, there's people around.

Love to see you crash and burn. Karma, baby.

Updated playlist yet again. I know, only a week has passed. This time less depressed, more angsty, I think. Label music according to your own preference. Lurk and listen.

♫ Mayday Parade - When I Get Home, You're So Dead
Paramore - Misery Business
Porcelain and the Tramps - My Leftovers

The music player is bitching. Let it load. Anybody with the acoustic version of 'Black Hole Sun' by Soundgarden (or Chris Cornell - it's interchangeable, I guess), please share with me. Don't let the poor little hermit drown in misery.

It's stupid to be feeling this tensed up. Time has been unforgiving. Happiness is a temporary cure from the relentless cruel fate and challenges we were meant to face. We're challenged every day. But there are those who watch others weep in disappointment and do nothing. There are those who take credit for things they never put their dirty little fingers on. We love the action star but not the stunt man. Time and time again.

♫ Decompression Period


I just need some space
To clear my head to think about my life
With or without you



Give me some time to unwind

Spock has never looked this good.

Somebody watch Star Trek with me, won't you. First, we need to educate ourself. WIKIPEDIA! Big Bang Theory is the greatest (and possibly - the only) nerd comedy ever. Geeky Guy.

Just to end it on a low note because I like my blog to be depressed (just because I can and happy people make me sick recently):

♫ Sorry - Ashlee Simpson


I threw away my phone
I thought that you should know
I'd throw away my home
If I had somewhere to go

♫ All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder

What do I do now?
I want to americanize the way I speak. I want to eat breakfast at LJS. I want to eat takoyaki balls at parkway. I want to ride a bike. I want to go WWW with bixia (and this has been long overdue). I want to go to prom. I want to run 2.4. I want to work. I want to play a full song on the guitar. I want to speak mandarin. I want to attend a rock concert. I want to perform a contemporary choreography. I want to be able to cook. I want to be able to sing (on tune, in pitch). I want a houndstooth vest. I want a structured jacket. I want aviators. I still want somebody (no, I don't).

hobbledehoy \HOB-uhl-dee-hoy\, noun:
An awkward, gawky young fellow.

Urgh. Featured picture look like the display pic on the right. Bear with me won't you?

I was really bored. So, slabbed on some eyemakeup. (From watching too much how-to-be-emo tutorial.) & tried to find nice hotspots to take the self-potrait. (Vain much.) One day I might just go out with emo:scene hair. YOU WAIT. Unless another media fad comes about.

Anyway, just updated the mp3. Remembered, briefly, poking fun of Samuel's playlist and when he saw mine, he gave that and-I-thought-my-playlist-was-dated look. Added hot songs from Porcelain and The Tramps, Paramore, Mayday Parade, Mirah, Boys Like Girls, Chris Cornell's Euphoria Morning. Got hold of Paramore's first album. It's good, really.

♫ Porcelain and The Tramps - My Leftovers



Oh you should've stayed home
You should've known better
Yet I melt in your mouth like liquid sugar.
You thought you were gonna throw it back in my face
But tell me how do my leftovers taste

you leave, because you can't bear to let go tomorrow.

I threw another tantrum because my brother ate the last two pieces of the handmade pau my mum made. (Tantrums for pretty much anything actually - brat.) & didn't practise on the guitar because I just wasn't feeling it. 4 days and I shouldn't be giving up. Maybe tomorrow. But really, am losing it. And, waiting for something to happen even though I know it wouldn't. Go ahead, knock yourself on the wall, you silly fool.

♫ You Don't See Me.

I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

I've really wondered what life would be life when I'm 25/30 (or older). Yeah yeah. I heard about 2012. It scares me but still, I know and believe that fate is in His hands. So whatever happens, it'll happen. I can still dream can't I?

(1) Be happily (or not) married to a man. Probably a hot, to-die-for beau who happens to be a rockstar and have the sexiest voice alive. What are the odds of that. Bear 2 (or 3, or 10), cute as a button, children. Because hubby is insanely gorgeous. Get fat and have ugly stretch marks on my tummy. Then, divorce because I found pictures of him making out with his groupies in the tabloids.

Searched 'beau' and it means: a frequent and attentive male companion.

(2) Get employed into a company with a full-time contract. What career? I wouldn't know. Anything that can get me places. Advertising, psychologist or whatever actually. I remembered wanting to be a cognitive psychologist but honestly, not after taking Perception&Cognition. Who knows? & probably have a really huge condo with a walk-in closet. I even an idea of how the interior of the house is going to be like. Monochrome and mod. Maybe a little pop art here and there. But overall, simple and fuss-free. Did I mention the kickass walk-in closet? The house may seem dull, BUT not the closet. There will be a million shoes and clothes and bags. Watch Privileged. I want my bedroom to be like that. They have shoes on display. I wish!

(3) Spinster for life. Or a vegetable. Of course, without keeping 50 cats, and rabbits, and hamsters, and cockroaches, and god knows what other animals I'll be keeping. I'll probably be reading and re-reading over archives of my past blogs. & regretting on things I wish I had done but never did. And, surfing on facebook (or they might have another social platform in the near future). Yeah, cursing at the fact that everyone else have such an awesome life but not me.

(4) Or, I'll just die a secondhand smoker. Cause dad smokes the shit out of those cigarettes every day.

What are the odds of any of these happening?

Beautiful people, leave some scraps of joy for me won't you. Cause I'm a vagabond and I don't mind your sloppy seconds.