'Thinking of you' has been on repeat since yesterday. Just because.

And I know that most of my coursemates are busy mugging for their papers. Really. No matter how much they deny. I have yet to finish reading Attraction and Intimacy for Social Ψ, like since yesterday. Surprisingly, the textbook is interesting. And this term has been extremely relaxing and slow-paced compared to previous terms. Maybe because I have Freehand Drawing as a CDS. :D

Anyway, I swear Pris and me are going to work hard to suck up to our CDS teacher. He was going on about likeability - and how he might give someone more marks for an assignment, just because he likes them. Biased old man. And then, going off about couples and gay marriages, then Caucasian guys and his 'they fast fall in love, fast fall out of love' theory. For 15 minutes or so. And besides, every morning he would do his preaching session for the first 15 minutes of the lesson. Ample time to arrive late. What an interesting dude. You should listen to his laughter, it would naturally give people that why-the-hell-does-he-sound-like-that-when-he-laugh look.

MUST GET A (or at least a B)!

And Dr Loke asked me (yet again), "Are you studying hard or hardly studying?"

When is Dad coming home, I want to eat dinner already!

This is going too far.
And I can't let it happen.
Cause it's just not right.
I won't comply.







Even if I want to, so badly.

I have some serious fetish for people with pretty hair. and girls who can look pretty even with glasses on.

And if given a choice, I might call my next guitar Gary or some other common name. Somehow, I feel that things should have a male name. Am not implying anything.



The week is halfway done and am feeling extremely erratic. Have been wearing black for the past days and realised how down I feel all the time. Might want to do a study on the effect of colour of attire on mood or vice versa for social psyche.

Bye.

And if anyone else asks, tell them, "I was afraid."

I realised how much the SC had been a part of me. There in the student's lounge, I anticipated the results. Kyle announced the name, the number of votes. It was nerve-wrecking because I know, in his hands, lies the fate of the SC.

Congratulations to those who got in. And slowly it sunk in...

I can't believe I got so teary-eyed drafting my speech for the upcoming AGM. Knowing that I've grown so much. The experience gained was priceless. Meeting people who never in my life, would I have met, if not being in the SC. I'll be honest and say that there was a point when I was so worn out that I honestly, gave up. But now that it is over, I really feel like a part of me is missing. As cliche as it may sound.

The hardest part of this - is letting go.

-----

I won't be missed.

Yet again, one of those eventful days.

1. Sholleh thought I had a crush on Amos because I got all flustered up when talking to Amos. I was surprised that Amos used the word 'flustered' in the first place. And well, I think I naturally just speak really fast.
   
2. Nad got banged by the fire lift door and the guy went, "She hit the door," to his friend. And nad got so pissed that she cussed and sweared.
   
3. The people in the MRT thought we were mute because we used sign language to communicate. We were just revising the hand sign song. BUT, you should see people's faces.
   
4. And had to walk all the way to City Hall because Raffles City Shopping Centre isn't at Raffles Place. Go figure.
   
5. We were unusually high. I blame the heat, hunger and well, the company.
   
6. Met caleb and his girlf. I was so shocked and dumbfounded that I didn't even turn to say hi. Caleb was shouting, "eh, you called me yesterday..." yada yada yada. His girlf is like somebody I will never, ever, evvvver expect him to date. *insert shocked face here*
   
7. FINALLY REACHED BEN&JERRY's! & had Banana Split. Refer to the picture above. Cookie dough was nice. And realised how much I dislike chocolate ice-cream. GAH.
   
8. Lunched at LJS. As usual.
   
9. Met up with Sure-Li and Jerald at Carl's Jr. Spent like 83947124673264 hours there just talking, facebooking, and anything else you can do for that period of time at that particular location. Colourful, SAY IT!

What a day. Tired.

It felt really awkward talking to people today. To summarize, came late for lesson, sat alone at the back of the class, acknowledging the fact that a whole troop of them marched to Cyber Centre for voting and me, silently waiting for them to leave while I was in the toilet (supposedly fixing my hair).

It was as though I was invisible. Some dude just walked into my lane while I was walking briskly at the interchange. And I know, I was subconsciously slouching in my black polo t-shirt. Just one of those days that I wonder, why am I even going to school? Why am I here? What in the world am I avoiding?

Made my way up to Level 6 and saw people. Strangers and friends (as one may call them). But strangely, I couldn't connect with them. And honestly, all these people have plans - to spent it with someone else at another place. I stood there alone. Contemplated if I wanted to enter the IR, my hands were on the door handles but no, I didn't. The consultation rooms were packed and laptops crammed on the tables. So I left and even looked away when a freshie waved at me (or was she?).

Why don't I have a sanctuary all to myself? Somewhere that nobody else can enter, nobody knows. This place where I can think and release all my frustrations, fears and even excitement. A place where I'm allowed to cry and people won't bother to say, "Don't be sad," and "Smile." Why am I not allowed to be all teary-eyed and moody? Why do people avoid me when I'm like that? Then again, when I'm feeling like the biggest loser in the world, I would like someone, somebody to just be there. Their presence would mean the world to me. Because all this while, I've never cried on anybody's shoulders. Because everyone else, has somebody else but never me. So, all my life, I've confided in myself only. And really, it gets cold and lonely sometimes. But I know that friends, for sure, come and go. And I'm not the kind who keeps in contact with friends, never bothered to do so.

And I'm so failing myself and my parents in my studies. I haven't done well so far and honestly, effort does not count for anything at all. So what if you spend days on an essay, re-reading and doing countless numbers of spellchecks. If you get a C or worst, an F for it, it could only mean one thing: You didn't work hard enough. Really, how many of our works are graded on the process but not the final product? Not many.

Oh great. Since my timetable is the bomb and I have 3 tutorials happening on the same day, I have 3 things to study/complete by this week. And Sunday is grandma's birthday (that's one less day to study). All my other days are 2 - 4 hours of lessons. And even a day when I only have lecture. And yes, I am complaining. Let me rationalize this. It takes me approximately an hour to get to school. Hence, if I have a 2 hour lecture, wouldn't that mean that the travelling time for me to get to school is equal to the duration of the lecture? So why bother? Seriously, I'm pretty jaded. Have been skipping lecture for the past weeks because I just gave up.

1. Development Portfolio (3 different topics to complete)
   
2. Quiz for Cross-Cultural Psyche (3 chapters to read on)
   
3. Quiz for Counselling Psyche (the usual but I've done badly so far)
   
4. Stab something.
   

I can live without you but,
Without you I'll be miserable at best

Slept really, REALLY early yesterday. 9pm is early compared to the usual 1am nap time. But the whole day was packed so I shouldn't feel guilty.

Anyway, checked the email today and there were still outstanding matters to resolve. I swear, in times like this, it's not our fault that certain issues are STILL outstanding or we hand in certain documents late. It has to go through a not-at-all permeable membrane namely, MOULDY-MORT (Voldemort, but his evil twin sister - that was childish).

For the past few days, have been really annoyed by certain people. For unknown reasons. Those days when you have a sudden urge to punch random people just because you feel like it. And I'm kind of sick of people who have nothing but insults for me, even if it just a joke. I get annoyed, irritated, pissed and seriously fked up. PMS, I presume.

-----

Can you stop trying to be people pleaser.
It urks me.

VOTE FOR AMANDA AND AZEEMAH,
cause they are awesome.






& also for TPSU:

BRANDON LOW


BENJAMIN NEO


-----

Last Friday, went to Frolick to eat you-know-what again.
And this group of girls made this 'wah-we-so-cool-that-we're-going-to-make-designs-using-oreo-crumbs-on-the-white-tabletop' mess. I felt so annoyed because it's never fun to cleaning up after someone.

I really wish I could play the guitar, well.

Todd,
Stay with me.

Nad and me never fail to get ourselves into extremely awkward situations when we're together. I swear. The last time, L gave me the stink eye and we met UTT. Also, got to dance our ass off during Jam&Hop. The other time, some random guy grabbed Nad's arm and she got freaked out. Followed by a group of random people passing around Kotex and pantyliners. (I know right...URGH)

Went to T1 today to sinfully indulge in good food. Namely, ICE CREAM. Fine, Frolick isn't ice-cream and all but at least, they "STAY HARD LONGER (than ice-cream)". That's a good tagline btw. We had a million things to bitch about. (Like we always do.)



Alright. Bus-ed home with nad and decided to play a game with our mp3s. We'll compare the songs on our mp3s and see their similarities/differences. (URGH. I can't believe we did it in the first place.) At one time I got 'The Burn - Matchbox Twenty' and Nad got 'Worn Me Down - Rachael Yamagata'. The lights in the bus suddenly went out. OMG. I swear, it was funny cause we had those two songs playing. Ended up the bus was completely shagged and we got free COMPLIMENTARY TICKETS, baby!

Funny how Nad's left eye kept twitching the whole day. For me, I said 'If I don't get home...' at the IR, the CCN Day poster pasted on the wall dropped out of the blue.

GOSH.

-----

2 more days. Unless I decide to get bitchy and all.

Am listening to My Chemical Romance. It's been so long.

This term Mondays are such a pain. 9am lessons all the way to 7pm (with just an hours' break, mind you!) There is like 3 tutorials to miss in a day. And I'm allowed to have really disgusting hair at the (start &) end of the day.

(STILL) NEED TO DO LIST:

1. Settle SC Matters (13 May)
   
2. Cross-Cultural Psyche Indv Assignment (18 May)
   
3. Developmental Portfolio (Week 6 - 25 May)
   
4. Developmental Psyche Group Assignment - who do what?
   
5. Interview a child (9-12 years old) and extract their brain juices. (Fine, do that thing we're supposed to do) (THIS WEEK DO!)
   
6. File files neatly and according to subject.
   
7. Play/Memorise/Kickass for one full song on the guitar
   
8. Conquer the barre chords.
   
9. Save up for a cappo. - URGH. $20 on some clip.
   
10. Buy black skinnies. I mean, fatties.
    
11. I want nicer hair can.
    
12. Save money to get a hot leather backpack/jacket. Whichever is hotter.

As you may realise, it gets pretty mediocre at the end. Suck balls.

There is such a person in TP. Someone google his blog for me - if he has one!

Got my hair cut - FINALLY. I love the left side of my hair and hate the right. Cause my itchy little fingers had to re-cut the hair and now it's shorter on one side. Anyway, if I tie my hair in a low ponytail, my hair looks like a bob. Gah.

Am doing Freehand Drawing at home. SOMEBODY PLEASE EDUCATE ME ON HOW TO SHADE. PPRETTY PUHLEASEEE! There is still a million things to do. And group and individual projects are due in a week. Azeemah, I so need those newspapers!



-----

Holy smokes! Vesak day is filled with Melvin Baby. Bird nest and hot yellow bird at SAA. A scary huge bug making an extremely loud buzzing sound.

Spent that day in school tidying up our paperwork. And (for me, that it), freaking out about anything that was still missing. I'm relieved that it is finally coming to end but not forgetting the tinge of sadness and regret. Am totally grateful to the people who stood by me, through the whole ordeal. Wait, I meant journey. Remember starting out feeling like a complete ass because I had absolutely no idea what I had to do. Terms like agenda and minutes were foreign to me and never had I chaired a meeting in my life. Our first event was the Annual General Meeting. Organising something that you had never, ever, EVER attended or even heard of seemed so difficult. Thank you Michelle (I doubt you will read this anyway). If I had anyone else as VP, I might just vapourise into smoke and condense into nothingness. Fine, I might just die of a massive headache.

The whole term had been a real challenge. Simply because each event we had was something new and different. Everything was 'inaugural'. From outings, student forums and even a design contest. First, write a proposal. Next, carry out the event. Finally, write a project report. Seem simple enough but really, you won't know what it is like until you experience it yourself. I swear, I've learnt to enjoy myself. Everybody was extremely understanding. The people from TPSU, other studies club and especially the advisors. Of course, the awesome DP Khoo (whom I accidently hit his buttocks during chicky dance) and all the management committee and staff. We're surrounded by the most warm and wonderful people. People who were willing to overlook our errors and mistakes and take us as who we are.

The whole main committee. We've finally reach the end of our what-seemed-to-be a never ending journey of ordeals. There were a handful of times when I had contemplated to resign, to stop all this pressure and to focus on my studies only. But, no. I can't fail the people who work so hard to keep this club together (with an exception of few - but there is a reason for everything). Thank you for the year. We can only go up from here.

Woah. Long post.

-----

Thank you for always being there.

We're so screwed, it's not even funny.

And having to dive into the never ending pages of digital archives, realising the things one did right, but it wasn't taken seriously.

& shall get a haircut. Or if I breakdown, I might just do it on my own.

DIE BITCH!

The subconscious doesn't want me to attend Social Psyche lecture tomorrow.

Ukeleles are cute. Watched a folk performance and I so want nimble fingers. If everyone has a guitar, I want a ukulele or a banjo.

Sorry Todd. You'll always be my baby. (That sounds dumb.)

Second week of school was much better than the first. Am feeling less neurotic. And have been spending a fortune on FOOD. Must stop eating or I'll get fat and my calves grow thicker and I'll get extremely self-conscious and start getting neurotic and start blogging depressing thoughts in my posts and just stop going out and drop out of school and binge eat while watching re-runs of old school drama-dies on SET.

I bore myself silly.

& I want a hot leather backpack (and jacket). Naddy, how?!

-----

An experiment, impossible to reproduce.
And rightfully, you defy all ethics.
Romeo, the forbidden lover.