It felt really awkward talking to people today. To summarize, came late for lesson, sat alone at the back of the class, acknowledging the fact that a whole troop of them marched to Cyber Centre for voting and me, silently waiting for them to leave while I was in the toilet (supposedly fixing my hair).
It was as though I was invisible. Some dude just walked into my lane while I was walking briskly at the interchange. And I know, I was subconsciously slouching in my black polo t-shirt. Just one of those days that I wonder, why am I even going to school? Why am I here? What in the world am I avoiding?
Made my way up to Level 6 and saw people. Strangers and friends (as one may call them). But strangely, I couldn't connect with them. And honestly, all these people have plans - to spent it with someone else at another place. I stood there alone. Contemplated if I wanted to enter the IR, my hands were on the door handles but no, I didn't. The consultation rooms were packed and laptops crammed on the tables. So I left and even looked away when a freshie waved at me (or was she?).
Why don't I have a sanctuary all to myself? Somewhere that nobody else can enter, nobody knows. This place where I can think and release all my frustrations, fears and even excitement. A place where I'm allowed to cry and people won't bother to say, "Don't be sad," and "Smile." Why am I not allowed to be all teary-eyed and moody? Why do people avoid me when I'm like that? Then again, when I'm feeling like the biggest loser in the world, I would like someone, somebody to just be there. Their presence would mean the world to me. Because all this while, I've never cried on anybody's shoulders. Because everyone else, has somebody else but never me. So, all my life, I've confided in myself only. And really, it gets cold and lonely sometimes. But I know that friends, for sure, come and go. And I'm not the kind who keeps in contact with friends, never bothered to do so.
And I'm so failing myself and my parents in my studies. I haven't done well so far and honestly, effort does not count for anything at all. So what if you spend days on an essay, re-reading and doing countless numbers of spellchecks. If you get a C or worst, an F for it, it could only mean one thing: You didn't work hard enough. Really, how many of our works are graded on the process but not the final product? Not many.
Oh great. Since my timetable is the bomb and I have 3 tutorials happening on the same day, I have 3 things to study/complete by this week. And Sunday is grandma's birthday (that's one less day to study). All my other days are 2 - 4 hours of lessons. And even a day when I only have lecture. And yes, I am complaining. Let me rationalize this. It takes me approximately an hour to get to school. Hence, if I have a 2 hour lecture, wouldn't that mean that the travelling time for me to get to school is equal to the duration of the lecture? So why bother? Seriously, I'm pretty jaded. Have been skipping lecture for the past weeks because I just gave up.
- Development Portfolio (3 different topics to complete)
- Quiz for Cross-Cultural Psyche (3 chapters to read on)
- Quiz for Counselling Psyche (the usual but I've done badly so far)
- Stab something.
I can live without you but,
Without you I'll be miserable at best
